jenuine ruby

I choose thankfulness.

Today and every day, I have so much to be thankful for.  Sometimes we (I) get stuck worrying about things, but I'm choosing to focus on being thankful.  I have four amazing kids, and when I look back at the journey we've been on the last two and a half years, I'm amazed at the way God has provided, comforted, and guided us.  His love has never held me so tenderly as it has throughout the time since I've become a single mom.  They say trials show you who your friends are.  I've been blown away by the support and love of family and friends who have come alongside in ways I would have never imagined, and definitely don't deserve.  I told my sister once that I don't wish anyone to go through this, but I do wish everyone could experience the love I've felt because of it.  It's been so overwhelming and so healing.  

I'm thankful for the friends and family who have been there for us in countless ways.  I'm thankful for my sisters who made time to get together on Sunday, because my kids were so sad they'd be missing their cousins this Thanksgiving.  I'm thankful that God has brought an amazing man (and his two sweet children) into our lives, and that his family has welcomed the five of us with open arms.  I'm thankful that I'm able to be present and available for my kids.  I'm thankful for the dear friend who has allowed me to rent part of her house and puts up with the noise and occasional chaos that we bring to her otherwise silent home.  I'm thankful for a boss who has been so understanding and accomodating with my schedule, and for a job (and co-workers) that I enjoy.  I'm thankful for our church, which has been a place of refuge for all of us, as well as providing opportunities for us to serve others.  I'm thankful for my children, who didn't ask for any of this, but have adapted and grown, and keep me going.  Their love and laughter brightens my days.  And mostly I'm thankful that no matter how many times I blow it, God's love never fails.  I am not alone.  I am thankful.

I only sink when I look down.

I have a confession.  Some days are hard.  Mostly, I have peace and joy and such assurance that everything is going to be alright.  The smile you'd see on my face if you were to see me on a daily basis is a genuine reflection of the peace that's in my heart.  But some days... some days I lose focus.  Some days are hard.  I've had some rough days and sleepless nights lately.  Something (big) was weighing me down and I was unable to shake it on my own.  But the good news is that I wasn't made to carry it on my own.  My hope is in the God I love, and when I surrender my cares to Him, an amazing thing happens.  I let go of my worries and in exchange, He gives me peace.  I can breathe a big sigh of relief because I'm reminded that He's got this.  I'm never alone.  He'll never leave me or forsake me.  And He takes care of me and my household in ways that blow my mind.  It took me a few days this time to let go of my worries, but when I did... oh, the relief!  I am refreshed.  

I shared with a few friends this week that sometimes I'm like Peter when he saw Jesus walking on water.  Jesus called him to get out of the boat and walk towards him, and he did. (see Matthew 14)  But then he started to doubt and look down and started to sink.  I do the same thing.  When I keep my eyes on the Lord, I have peace, and I can do what seems impossible.  But when I look down at my circumstances and the waves surrounding me, I start to sink.  It's true, there are wind and waves all around.  But when my gaze is fixed on Jesus, none of that matters.  

It reminds me of a line in a JJ Heller song, "No matter how the wind may blow, it cannot shake the sun.  Lay your sorrows on the ground, it's time to come back home."

dreadiversary

One year ago today, I was on a plane to Portland with Joe to get dreadlocks. Something I'd wanted for a long time, a surprise trip planned by him.  Today things are very different.  Even during that trip, things were not quite right, but I didn't realize at the time how dreadfully different our lives would be today.  I say dreadfully because it is truly a tragedy when a marriage ends (and partly because I'm a big dork and love puns).  But God has stepped in, in such an amazing way, and I can say with all honesty and gratitude that He has given me amazing peace and joy in the last year.  Our divorce was final on March 30.  Just a few days later Joe remarried.  It's been a whirlwind of a year, that's for sure.. but I have a lot to be thankful for.

Here are a few pictures of my dreads when I had them.  I loved them, and it would have been nice if they lasted... but I'm content with my unruly mane.

Wow.  While these photos were uploading, two songs played from my ipod.  The first resonated with my spirit.  I keep praying to be completely humble and for God's will to be done.  

Shoot.  I just checked youtube and couldn't find a video for the first song.  (It's an oldie.)  Here are the lyrics:

Humble Me by Cheri Keaggy

Humble me
Help me be
In a right place with You
Where I look in Your face
And I'm touched by Your grace
And I see You for who You are

Humble me
Help me be
In a right place with You
Where my heart can rejoice
At the sound of Your voice
And I know You for who You are

A holy God, full of glory
Full of love for me
A loving God, full of mercy
In Your will is where I want to be

As the song played, I listened and my heart sang along in full agreement.  Part of my morning prayer time includes the end of Psalm 139: Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)

The next song that came on seemed like a response from God's heart to mine:

 

God is so good!  The perfect Lover of my soul.  I think I'll bask in that love all day!

faint not.

Just discovered this tonight.  I love the mellow sound and lyrics full of truth and hope.  So far my favorites are Psalm 46 and Holding on to Hope.  Enjoy!

*Edited Friday morning to add this next song, "This is Just So Beautiful". I love it. Yesterday is gone. His mercies are new every morning!

it is well

I've been pretty quiet in this space for a while, and when I finally speak up, I get the chance to live out what I say.  The other day I posted (no power here) about being unaffected by circumstances and standing firm in God's grace.  And what a week this has been!  I was talking to my sister yesterday about what's happening.  I told her that I know God has this, and that everything is going to be ok... I just don't know what that looks like yet.  I've read the book of Job, and I know how his story ended.  He was blessed beyond what he could have ever imagined, and God repayed far more than what was taken from him.  But the struggles he went through to get there... ugh!  I immediately thought of this song from Shrek the musical (which is the current most frequently requested album in our car).

 

In the third verse, Fiona rips out pages from the storybooks and says, "No one needs these middle bits!"  That's how I feel right about now.  I know my story is going to end well.  Probably better than I can imagine.  Man or no man.  That's not the focus... it's not the prince I'm after.. It's the King.  And He's with me every step of the journey, all through the waiting to see how my story turns out, and all through the struggles.  He is here.  And His grace is sufficient for me.

Yesterday I read this in Hebrews 10:22-24, Amplified:

22  Let us all come forward and draw near with true (honest and sincere) hearts in unqualified assuranceand absolute conviction engendered by faith (by that leaning of the entire human personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness), having our hearts sprinkled and purified from a guilty (evil) conscience and our bodies cleansed with pure water.23  So let us seize and hold fast and retain without wavering the hope we cherish andconfess and our acknowledgement of it, for He Who promised is reliable (sure) and faithful to His word.24  And let us considerand give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities

And this morning this in Proverbs 3:3-6, Amplified:

3  Let not mercy and kindness [shutting out all hatred and selfishness] and truth [shutting out all deliberate hypocrisy or falsehood] forsake you; bind them about your neck, write them upon the tablet of your heart. 4  So shall you find favor, good understanding, and high esteem in the sight [or judgment] of God and man. 5  Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insightor understanding.6  In all your ways know, recognize, andacknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. 

Whatever comes, I can stand strong in Him.  My loving Father sees the end from the beginning, and He's with us through all these middle bits.  He is my peace.  I need to keep my focus and rest in Him.

A dear friend sent me a link the other day to a youtube video of Wintley Phipps singing Amazing Grace.  It included some background on the song, and it was such a touching video.  I sent it on to my sister, and she found this one and encouraged me to watch it.  When we were young, we used to sing out of the hymnals in church, and whenever we sang this one and we were standing next to each other, we'd sing "it is swell with my soul" and giggle.  I love what he says before he sings, "It is in the quiet crucible of your personal private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born and God’s greatest gifts are given in compensation for what you’ve been through."  Wow.  God is good.  It is well with my soul.

no power here

My daughter Brooklyn and her cousins just finished performing in The Wizard of Oz through our local community college.  My beautiful niece Melody Joy played the part of the good witch, and she fit the role perfectly.  Melody has this sweet way about her, bringing joy and light wherever she goes.  My sister Michelle saw the play before I did, and told me to watch closely and really tune in to this one particular scene.  Melody came out onto the stage so lovely and sparkling, full of grace and poised so beautifully.  The bad witch showed up in all her evil glory and scared the munchkins and threatened Dorothy.  But Glinda (Melody) remained perfectly calm and cheery.  She laughed her sweet laugh and said, "Silly witch, you have no power here."  And she was unaffected by the taunting of the evil one.

Michelle said she immediately thought of me when she saw that, and said that I've been walking with grace through this season but there have been things that trip me up a little bit and attempt to steal my joy.  Times when I've been fearful and times when I've given into the lies of feeling unworthy, unlovable, unattractive, uncertain, unaccepted and disqualified.  I need to remain peaceful and full of good cheer.  Resting in that blessed assurance of knowing that Jesus is mine (and I am His!).  When I abide in Him, I know that I'm covered.  Nothing that tries to come against me can steal my peace or my joy.  There is such comfort in that.  His spirit in me helps me to keep going, to embrace friendliness instead of bitterness, to offer hope to others, and assurance to my little munchkins that (because of God's love and protection) everything is going to be okay.

I've been marinating in Psalm 37 for the last week or two.  I love reading different translations, and this one is particularly good in the Amplified.  It's extra wordy, but I love that.  It is full of promise and full of hope.  And I love that every time it talks about the righteous, it is preceded by either [uncompromisingly] or [consistently] righteous.  Good reminder to stay on track.  I don't need to worry about what anyone else is doing.  I just fix my eyes on Jesus and walk with Him.  Whether this path takes us through happy meadows or dark valleys, as long as I'm arm in arm with Him, all is well.  The wicked has no power here.

Ruby Tuesday

 

New feature here at jenuine ruby:  Ruby Tuesdays!  On Tuesdays, I will showcase a few favorite (ruby-hued) finds from etsy shops.  Have a ruby red item that you'd like me to feature?  Email me!  (jenuineruby@gmail.com)

bloody valentine necklace

handmade boro lampwork beads

ruby sunset

QT canvas tote

she knew love

prim coffee sleeve

celebrating pi

In our family, we like to celebrate the little things.  Last week it was one small personal victory for me, a little one who learned to tie her shoes (with double knots!) and another little one going on the potty.   Today we celebrated pi day (pi = 3.14).  Hot blackberry pie with a hefty scoop of Breyer's natural vanilla.  (and a good, strong cup of coffee, of course.)  Mmmmmm....

celebrating and remembering

Yesterday my baby turned three.  I'm not sure how it's possible that three years have already gone by since this sweet one entered our lives.  

This was my very first blog post ever, written shortly after he was born...

Two weeks ago our fourth baby was born.  The birth was amazing.  I had him at home in a waterbirth tub.  Both of our boys were born this way.  It's just coincidence that our girls were born in hospitals.  Each birth was special.  Each time a precious life joined our family.  We are truly blessed.  I have to admit though, I'm tired.  We had our first baby just days before I turned 25.  Now she's 10....

...  That was the beginning of a blog entry I started a few weeks ago.  I don't remember now why I never got a chance to finish.  Sadly, there are other things these days that I start and forget to finish.  Like laundry.

I have a friend who had her fifth baby a few months before I had our fourth.  She had always wanted six, but after number five, she kept saying "I'm getting too old for this!".  I thought that was silly.  She's a few years younger than me, and I felt great.  I had another wonderful pregnancy.  I truly love being pregnant, and even enjoy labor and delivery.  It's so amazing and incredible.  But afterwards, I feel it.  Especially this time.  Another amazing birth experience, but the contracting uterus pains afterwards (for several days) were not fun.  And engorgement was not so good either.  It took until just recently for my little guy to have a good latch so that it finally doesn't hurt so much when I feed him.  We decided even before he was born that this was our "fourth and final".  And I'm ok with that.  I love being a mom.  I love that each of our kids has their own personality and gifts.  Brooklyn is our creative one.  Our planner.  You throw out an idea and she'll run with it, planning out every detail.  Zeke is thoughtful and sensitive, and also very athletic.  He loves skateboarding, and I just learned from watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition last week, that he's into le parkour.  There's actually a name for all the crazy jumping, spinning moves he does around the house.  Mercy is a bundle of joy and energy.  And she's at that age where she's always saying something that I should be writing down.  Like the other night when she tried to climb a tree. She didn't get very far, but then she backed away and looked up at it and proclaimed, "MY God made that tree!"  Judah is very sweet and mellow.  He's starting to smile and trying to make sounds and talk to us.  But mostly he still sleeps, and when he's awake, he's very content.

Little Judah is now two months old, and I think I'm getting the hang of this, having four kids.  I'm not always on time anymore, and grocery shopping with all of them is not my favorite, but life is good.  More correctly, God is good.  He's been so sweet to me, answering so many big and simple prayers.   I'm not a great mom.  I forget things and loose my temper and don't always have clean socks for them to wear.  But I love them with all my heart and am trying to savor every moment I have with them.

 

how He loves us

 

It's Valentines Day.  And I am near the end of a divorce.  But I am living loved.  Some days God's love is so overwhelming to me.  Today I'm feeling His love in a really mighty, yet very intimate way.  His love is so perfect, and always exactly what I need.  My heart goes out to other singles today.  I pray that the amazing love of God will be so real and so present in the hearts of the lonely and broken hearted.  His love is measureless.  It is perfect and unending.  It is unconditional.  It is enough.

"measureless love" print (available in my etsy shop)